The English language is a wonderful thing. The way in which certain words have multiple meanings to add confusion to a piece of text is remarkable, and typically British. There are some words which we use as part of our day to day language which can also be used in an inflammatory way. For example, we can smoke a ‘fag’ or eat a ‘faggot’, but we can also use those words as terms for a homosexual male. These are the words I will be talking about today, the so called ‘naughty words’ (if you’re 5).
As this post is all about swearing I feel I should ease you in, after all some of you don’t know me and I don’t want to get off on the wrong fucking foot. So let’s start with the sort of words you’ve probably referred to kids as. No, I don’t mean words like ‘sexy’ (although I have heard people refer to their kids as sexy, which scares me beyond belief), I’m talking about those curse words you use when your kids are simply pissing you off. Words like ‘sod’ or ‘bugger’ are very nice words to use around your children except for the fact you’re calling your children ass fuckers. Don’t believe me, well do a bit of research into the act of buggery (I’m sure there will be some interesting videos online) or the exploits of those buggered souls at Sodom in the Old Testament. Yep, both of those words refer quite bluntly to the act of anal fornication, yet for some reason they’re suddenly accepted for this use as well.
Ass fucker is a pretty strong term which is why we use these supposedly nicer words, but surely there are better terms we can use for our brats. Well, sticking with this area of the body, would it be nicer to call your child a vagina? Well, yeah, after all ‘vagina’ is the official word for female genitalia, and scientific words are in no way swear words (see Uranus for proof – stop giggling at the back). The alternative words for vagina aren’t as acceptable though. For some reason it’s not right to call children ‘cunts’, or so I found out when I fired from my job as a children’s TV presenter (apparently they prefer it if we do those things out of working hours). So what does that leave us with? Pussy? That only really applies if they are somehow catlike, and I feel picking the right swearword is the least of your concerns if your child has a tail and whiskers.
Seeing as I just touched on vaginas I feel it’s only right that I touch on penises too (oo-er). So, why is it that we use terms like ‘prick’, ‘dick’ and ‘cock’ to describe male genitalia quite openly, yet words like ‘pussy’, ‘twat’ and ‘cunt’ are still taboo? When you think about there’s no real difference, they’re just slang terms for genitalia, the only difference is that one is for a male, the other for a female. This is one of those things that has always amazed me about the English language by the way. How do we actually dictate which words become socially acceptable and which will make you a social pariah if you utter them in public? I’m not 100% certain on this but I get the feeling Simon Cowell is to blame. There’s just something about the talentless wanker that makes me think he was bullied a lot in school, and as a result he took all the terms that were flung his way and made them inappropriate (side note – the shit he churns out on X Factor is retaliation for all the shit that was flung at him in school as well).
The list of curse words and their ridiculous meanings just keeps growing. We use the word ‘fuck’ or its derivatives as filler words, just because we have nothing better to say. We refer to daily tasks in as offensive a way as possible. We are a nation of people with undiagnosed tourettes and we try our hardest to find ways to justify our swearing. How long until Saturday nights are filled with F*** Factor, a show in which potty mouthed judges (along with Mr. Cowell) pick the words we can’t say in the following year? Well, based on the way we’re going it’d be a great idea and a money spinner for ITV (your welcome, cunts). So, to prevent ITV from doing this I suggest we all stop complaining about curse words and accept them into the English language, after all they are just words. If you don’t want to do that, fuck you.
Carl Parmenter is a cunning linguist and expert swearer who rates Rachel Riley and Susie Dent in his Top 10 women to spend a weekend with (for different reasons). Read his blog here.
I am writing this letter to congratulate you on your ingenuity. Nobody has made more money from stupid people than you. As the perennial misanthrope I salute this act. However, I do have one query.
Can you give us a bit of a break? Go on a holiday or something. For an extended period of time. It’s all well and good that you are making people part with their cash to buy ridiculous things like Cher Lloyd’s singles but you have accidentally created a culture of morons. Everywhere I go everyone looks like they are auditioning to be in One Direction; wearing checkered shirts and chinos. It actually makes me feel a little bit sick.
Do we really need X Factor every year? I know that the masses will probably forget what to do if you don’t spoon-feed them instructions, but is that really a bad thing? Or maybe as a man who seems driven to be omnipresent the solution could be to use your power for good. As a reality TV pioneer, maybe you could do ‘Nonentities from Shows Past Get Fed to the Lions’. I’d consider staying in for that. As soon as some gargantuan feline starts chewing on Jedward I’d even be inclined to text ‘COCOZZA’ to 83322.
Oh and one more thing. Can we quit making a mockery of the Christmas number one? Your offering is never very good, and it also forces hipster idiots to promote old songs that have nothing to do with Christmas to the top spot. I know that the soldiers’ wives choir did it this year, but that was pretty awful too. People will do anything if this national sentiment involved. Anyway I digress. Just leave it alone, or we might fall out.
Keep up the good work, just try and keep it on the lo-down please. I’m tired of having to tell idiots that their opinions are invalid.
Daniel J. Whitell
PS – if you could hook me up with Cheryl I’d be willing to live with another series of X Factor. Just one, though.