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It’s a Conspiracy!

Did you know that nothing has ever actually happened? Ever. According to the news, things happen all the time. But we know better. The news is just the media’s way of controlling us, right? Therefore everything they tell us must be a lie.

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17:58. Liars!

Everybody loves conspiracy theories. Just how everyone is interested in the apocalypse (read my last post) similarly people are always thinking outside of the box. I love and encourage freedom of thought, and I am always open to new ideas. For example yesterday I decided that my favourite food is roast potatoes. My second favourite food is mini kievs. Not the big ones. The little ones. The big ones have far too much surface area for their garlic sauce content and therefore are really just masquerading as a larger substitute; you are actually getting the poorly-designed original prototype. Anyway, my ability to think outside the box caused me to come up with the mother of all meals. Roast potatoes and mini kievs. You’ll thank me later.

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You know I love gravy too.

What we can conclude from this is that I am not narrow-minded. I’m somebody who likes to live on the proverbial edge, next door to Evel Knievel and a Powerade warehouse. Now that we have cleared that up, let me just throw this in the mix: I hate conspiracy theories.

I hate them not for the amount of thought that goes into them. I don’t hate them because they are far-fetched or because they dare to question the status quo. I hate them because they are ubiquitous and because more people believe them than the official version of events. And as we know; the more people believe in something the more likely it is wrong. According to the first site I came across on Google (I do my research) 86% of the world’s population is religious. Wrong. 99.9% of the world’s population think that ‘Thriller’ is Michael Jackson’s best album. Wrong. Shitloads of people like prawn cocktail crisps. Guess what? Wrong.

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No.

I haven’t done enough research to categorically state that any conspiracy theory is invalid. That’s not what I’m about. I just hate this notion that we have to question every single thing that happens.Can’t we just accept some things at face value? That way you don’t get people who have been mistakenly born with the brain of an amphibian explaining that they ‘saw something on Youtube’ that proves that the Earth is actually flat after all. In some cases we complain about the perceived lack of imagination in politics and the stupidity of those responsible for our welfare, yet we also think that every single one of them is an evil genius capable of staging a moon-landing to scare some Russians or causing an iconic building to collapse so we can go in pursuit of some fossil fuels. Sometimes people are just creating conspiracy theories because ‘hey, it’s cool, man’.

Some of them are probably right. But I just stopped caring because there are far too many of them. So here are my top ten conspiracy theories.

1. World War II was just a dream

Think about it. The world was probably extremely tired after World War I so they just simultaneously dreamt up a story of an evil guy with a toothbrush moustache after watching too many Charlie Chaplin films.

2. Every single person who has ever won an Oscar is actually Steve Guttenberg in disguise.

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Pictured here shortly after winning Best Actress for Being Jodie Foster in ‘Silence of the Lambs’.

3. Sand is an illusion

You know that beach you went to in the summer? It was totally imaginary. You actually sat in the car park of Marks & Spencer.

4. Elvis was a hologram created by McDonald’s

He was always programmed to get fat and die of a heart-attack.. The negative connotations of the so-called ‘King’ dying from too many ‘burgers’ would naturally lead to negative publicity for their biggest rivals.

5. Gandhi was from Torquay

Have you seen his birth certificate? Plus he would have loved Fawlty Towers. Had he not been assassinated, of course.

6. The song ‘Wonderwall’ by Oasis doesn’t actually exist

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Pictured: Two candles and a tennis ball.

Apparently the whole thing was done with smoke and mirrors.

7. The wheel was never invented

We’re all still stationary, we just haven’t noticed it yet.

8. Every fifth word in the bible forms the lyrics to ‘Walking on Sunshine’ by Katrina & The Waves

Go try it now.

9. You haven’t eaten in days

Your mind has simply tricked you into thinking you have eaten. In reality you are being controlled by super ants who want you to think you are not dying.

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Shit just got real.

10. This blog was written over 150 years ago

According to Youtube.

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2012 – The End of the World?

Everyone is talking about the apocalypse. Well not everyone. But some people. I’ve heard one or two. I think.

Let’s start again. An unquantified number of people have at some point perhaps made reference to this year potentially being the last year ever. Contrary to popular belief, the method of thinking did not originate from the 2009 Roland Emmerich film starring John Cusack. No, it has been foretold by many people including Nostradamus and the Mayans.

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The other great Mayan contribution to the 21st Century.

When I say ‘foretold’ I mean it in a very loose sense. December 21st 2012 is when the Mayan calendar stops. Now I might be wrong but that doesn’t necessarily mean the freaking world is ending, does it? I mean if anything we should be thankful that the Mayans had the foresight to make a calendar that goes as far as it does. Contemporary calendar-makers are far more short-sighted, meaning that if we go by this way of judging the apocalypse – as soon as Kelly Brook’s December charms are no longer adorning your bedroom wall the horsemen will come knocking. Well, they probably wouldn’t be that polite as to knock. If you only get an advent calendar, life doesn’t even exist until December 1st (and will probably end on the 1st too you greedy bastard).

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Yes, you.

Nostradamus also didn’t do very well predicting the end of the world. Nowhere in his book does he mention the end of days. He also continues to prophesise until well beyond the year 3000. As did Busted. I’m not sure they thought it through as well as Nostradamus, but at least he corroborates their reports that we will still be here. Living underwater and our great-great-great grandaughters still being alive and aesthetically pleasing, notwithstanding.

So basically we don’t really know. Just like that one guy who thought that the rapture was coming last year and was left rather embarrassed when it didn’t; we’re all just stabbing in the dark and using very old and unreliable knives to do so. The Mayans can predict the end of the world but they didn’t predict the invention of mini kievs, did they? Thought not. Come December 21st there are probably going to be a lot of disappointed people. I’ll probably be drunk in a bar somewhere, just in case. But what happens if the end actualy is nigh? What if we’re all about to be Michael Bay-ed?

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Image needs no caption.

 10 Things I Wouldn’t Miss if There Was An Apocalypse

1. Wires

Yes, I know that there is a scientific explanation for why wires get tangled. Still doesn’t make it just. I have spent approximately 14 years of my life untangling wires.

2. Robert Carlyle

I don’t really know why I hate him, but I hate him with every fibre of my being. It’s either because of ‘The Full Monty’ or the fact that his eyes look like sultanas. Or maybe both.

3. People Who Use the Word ‘Ignorant’ to Mean Something That It Totally Doesn’t Mean

Listen up, idiots (I mean loyal readers. Actually no, I mean idiots). If someone is ignoring you, they are not being ‘ignorant’ unless they genuinely do not know you are there. We don’t have an adjective to describe someone who ignores people. ‘Rude’ will suffice you ignorant people.

4. Tablets

Why? We had computers that were fine (until you actually need it to do something) and we had mobile phones that were perfectly adequate. Then someone said ‘we need something that’s not as functional as a computer and more like a big phone that doesn’t actually make calls’. Okay sure. So by my logic we have doors, and we have windows. So what we need is something that’s smaller than a door but doesn’t open fully like a window.

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Well done.

But for humans.

5. People Who Protest About Everything

Don’t get me wrong, I like to moan about things. I also think that it is possible to change the world with the right approach. However, liking a post on Facebook and then standing in a field for fifteen years whilst claiming that ‘Capitalism is gay’ just makes you a douchebag, dude.

6. Tomatoes

Before I begin, let me just hand a free pass to tomato purée. You can go, you are fine. Right, now that we’re alone, Mr Tomato, what the fuck are you doing in my sandwiches? If I go to Tesco (or M&S if I’m feeling frivolous) I don’t expect to spend twenty minutes picking you out of my lunch. You just don’t taste right. Yet everyone thinks you’re welcome at the party. Get the fuck out!

7. Reality Television

Everything is a reality show these days. How To Live Your Life, How Not To Live Your Life, How My Wife Cleans Her Bathroom, Who Is The Best Singer, Who Is The Most Annoying Person In Dundee, Who Is the Most Annoying Person In Dundee – Celebrity Edition. I thought TV was supposed to be a form of escapism? Documentaries are great, but when you assume I want to know about the sex lives of some creosoted Geordie people you are so very wrong. I’d rather watch myself watching me on a live streaming webcam. At least I might get an erection.

8. The Person Who Decided This Was A Good Idea

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Enough said.

 9. Cricket

“What’s on Sky Sports this afternoon?”

“Oh it’s just a team of men in jumpers trying to catch a ball. They know where this ball is probably going to go, because they know who is throwing the ball and they know who is hitting it. Occasionally they have to jog.”

“I see”.

“Do you want to know how they work out the score?”

“No thanks.”

10. Children

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m going to make caveats here. Like I’m going to say ‘annoying kids who scream on public transport’ or ‘all first-born sons, Herod-style’. Nope. All of them. I am aware that I was a kid once, but I was a fantastic kid. I could eat anything, I spent a lot of time pretending to be a chicken and I convinced my younger sister I had magic powers. But now kids are just loud, needy, obnoxious and unnecessarily pandered-to. Children’s books are being read by adults (that might not be their fault directly) and they have stupid names and stupid hair. But the one thing that gets me is that people are creating more and more of them and then clogging up my Facebook with pages and pages of people that all look the same until they reach the age of about 5 anyway. I’m tired of blaming the parents; take some responsibility for yourselves you little shitbags.

So there we have it. I am actually hoping for the prophecies to be fulfilled now. At least I can die without seeing Colin Farrell do a massive shit on Mars.

50 Shades of Gravy

In my last post, I suggested that I would write about whatever the people want me to write about. I am a man of my word. Unfortunately that word is ‘gravy’.

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Where is this going?

Gravy. The very word can make a Northerner salivate from sixty paces. It tastes good with a roast, it tastes good with chips, it tastes good with fried chicken. Acceptable on most meals, yet not acceptable on its own as a savoury alternative to tea or coffee. It’s not a condiment, it’s not a garnish, it’s not a sauce. What is it? It’s the enigma of the dinner plate. The stranger that’s welcome at any family meal.

There are allegedly some people who don’t like gravy. These people are known in the industry as ‘wrong’. In fact, I read that someone once put ketchup on a roast dinner instead of gravy. That person was forcibly removed from society and presumably eaten by crocodiles. With gravy.

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“Heinz?! Fucking Heinz?!”

Gravy is actually quite sexy. Think about it. It’s viscous and glossy, but looks dirty and wrong at the same time. Much like Katy Perry. According to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gravy, gravy is a sauce. I don’t believe it, but apparently it is. If it is a sauce, it’s the sexiest sauce going. Other than garlic mayonnaise.

The other subject I considered writing about this week was ’50 Shades of Grey’. It seems that woman has discovered pornography only 99 years after Emily Davison threw herself under the King’s horse at Epsom. It is a book so popular Facebook is overrun with statuses from women declaring the commencement of their nightly masturbation session.

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Daniel Whitell is about to get into bed and spend three hours ‘reading’ pictures of Rihanna.

However, I don’t profess to have read the book. This is not my English degree, I can’t just read the first chapter, last chapter and the Wikipedia synopsis and use that as the basis for an essay. So alas, my take on the literary classic shall remain unwritten. I shall not libel that which I am ignorant of. But I can write about gravy. There must be some link between gravy and erotic fiction…

***

“I’m going to pull on your plastic lid until you pop off”, she said, desperately trying to get to the savoury satisfaction contained within.

“I want to have you with my chicken pie.” she whispered, almost as if she expect to tease the inanimate sauce.

Rihanna licked the scarlet Bisto pot around the edges, as though it were an erect penis. She dreamt about pouring the hot, saucy contents over her lithe, Barbadan body. She had never been to Doncaster before, and she had never expected to find pleasure in something so simple; something so instant. Not since those adverts with Linda Bellingham that were shown during her childhood and the subsequent wild fantasies about stock cubes had she been so turned on by a foodstuff. But now it was all about gravy. Gravy was the very essence of sexiness. It made her nipples harder than solving a complex mathematics problem after you’ve just fondled yourself to a poor quality Youtube video of your friend’s mum doing the dishes in a dirty slip.

“I will guzzle every last drop of you,” she moaned, pining for the rugged brown moisture to work its dirty magic.

“I’m going to rip this Fray Bentos apart with my teeth and then you and I shall find love in my hopeless place.”

Rihanna couldn’t wait any longer. The kettle was taking an eternity to boil; it was shrieking like an ovulating kestrel. Unable to resist the container any more she tore it apart with her bare hands as thousands of tiny beads poured themselves over the kitchen floor like a velvet carpet. Naked, she thrust her body down upon the lino flooring and squealed as the granules entered her in places she never thought possible.

“Aah, Bisto!” she sang.

The Difficult Second Post

19 views is always going to be a tough number to beat. Now that I have established the fact that I don’t really have an audience, I have to live with the fact that this blog has very little direction as well. Writing about nothing and having no one read it is on a par with being a tree. Sure, you have this smug sense of self-worth, but the reality is you have small animals living inside you and you’re going nowhere until a Canadian comes at you with a chainsaw, buddy.

Inevitably, one must write the follow-up post. You could call it quits after post number one and then reminisce in 2022 about how you once started a ‘hilarious’ blog. Whilst sipping a futuristic cocktail, listening to country rap, wearing a jumpsuit and euthanising your friends. But where’s the fun in that? No, one must make multiple failed attempts to capture an audience.

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I have a feeling this guy won’t love country rap when it arrives.

Maybe this time if I actually write about something it will surpass the 20 hit-counter. But what could I actually write about? Maybe I should let the audience decide. Actually Dan, that’s a brilliant idea! Whilst you might now be stranded in a strange place where you are conversing with your own thought patterns via your keyboard, if you let a third party make a decision for you, you can establish whether or not you have the potential to build an audience and simultaneously stumble upon some subject matter. I knew you had it in you.

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Dude, they’re fucking fish shaped like stars!

So I guess this could be the end of my little blog. I will not be writing again until someone suggests a topic for me. Direct me. I am the ovine investigative journalist. You send me out into the field and I will write about it. Providing it’s not Harry Potter. I fucking hate Harry Potter. If you ask me to expand on this, this is how the conversation will always pan out:

“But have you read it?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not eight. I don’t ask you if you have eaten mud and pretended to be a chicken recently.”

I was a weird 8-year old.

Writing a Blog

The problem with losing your virginity is that everyone will judge you and you’ll never be allowed to use the library again.

Hi, my name is Dan Whitell and this is Infinite Monkey Typewriter. I tried to write a blog once before, and it got fewer views than Cliff Richard’s bedroom ceiling. The problem was direction. For those of you that know me, I can be quite cynical. I think that music died in 1996 and that anyone who wears flip-flops is a total idiot. However, diatribe is often not the best way to capture an audience. Don’t get me wrong, we all love a good moan. But negativity is all around us, so it can be nice to get away from that.

So what about a really happy, smiley blog about things that I like? I could post things like my top 5 pairs of shoes and 7 reasons why towels are so great. That sounds like the worst blog in history. If people in China could see that, they’d ask for more censors to be put in place.

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So fluffy.

Dilemma. Do I use my time to spout vitriol about stuff I can’t stand, or do I make it look like Myspace just heaved on my computer screen? How about a metablog? “What is a metablog?” you ask. Well, although it probably exists already, I’m claiming I invented it as my research department need more funds. A metablog is a blog about writing a blog.

I go online quite often, and see many different blogs. Some are better than others, as tends to be the case with anything it’s possible to have an opinion on. There is a very tried-and-tested formula, which is being demonstrated on this very screen. It goes:

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Funny picture (with hilarious caption)

Text

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This guy.

Ending.

It always works. Is there another way of doing it? The world is full of sarcastic writers who are very humorous and creative. So why is it that no one has been brave enough to do it differently? Maybe have the text scroll in from the side. The words could be in the shape of a dragon. Riding a horse. On fire. The jokes could be attached to little embedded mp3 files that provide a laughter track. Or the whole thing could be narrated by David Attenborough whilst you show us the photos you took of Saturday night’s sunset.

And the comedy photos that everyone loves? They could all be of me. Dressed like a dragon. Riding a horse. On fire. With Axl Rose.

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Seabiscuit’s sequel was much better.

Actually, fuck it, this sounds like Geocities. Better stick to the way everyone else is doing it. Welcome to Infinite Monkey Typewriter. It’s pretty much like every other blog on the internet.

Oh, and follow me on Twitter @GoldenEPump.