Archive by Author | goldenepump

A Guest Blog By Des

The ladies toilets… My goodness.

Love

Des “Easily Shocked” Bennett

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A Tribute to Andy Williams

Today (or rather yesterday by the time this will be posted) was a sad day. I was informed that Andy Williams had passed away. This news will simply pass many people by. I already received the response ‘Andy Who?’ when discussing the subject earlier on. But I am genuinely saddened by the news – I felt it necessary to post a tribute.

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Howard Andrew “Andy” Williams (3rd December 1927-25th September 2012)

Most people will be familiar with the timeless classic that is ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off You’ but won’t even know that it is Williams crooning. Some will hum merrily along to ‘Music to Watch Girls By’ blissfully unaware of the artist. Likewise at Christmas everyone knows ‘The Most Wonderful Time of the Year’ but do not realise that it is arguably Williams who sang the most popular version of that festive song. Then of course there are great songs such as ‘Born Free’ and ‘The Impossible Dream’ which you will probably remember from a Honda advert a few years ago.

My personal favourite is what is considered to be his signature song. ‘Moon River’, despite never being released as a single (something that should change in the immediate future really) is perhaps the song he will be remembered by. Written by Johnny Mercer, Williams was asked to sing it at the 1962 Oscars and it became a formidable part of his legacy. From a personal standpoint, the song is my ‘go-to’ shower song, and I sing it all the time. Such a delicious melody. Driven by Williams’ velvet vocal style, it has became a staple for karaoke singers and easy listeners everywhere.

Williams has had a profound influence on singers throughout the subsequent eras that he lived through and will continue to do so. His death at 84 from bladder cancer is not only sad news for his friends, family and his fans but it also serves as a reminder that they simply don’t make ’em like that anymore. So Mr Williams – here’s to you. May you serve as an eternal reminder that your style will always be cool. Always.

When I next kick back with a glass of rosé or some Disaronno and lemonade and I want some Easy Listening, or when I next sing ‘Moon River’ in the shower, I know I will smile and say ‘thank you’.

An Open Letter to Simon Cowell

ImageDear Mr Cowell,

I am writing this letter to congratulate you on your ingenuity. Nobody has made more money from stupid people than you. As the perennial misanthrope I salute this act. However, I do have one query.

Can you give us a bit of a break? Go on a holiday or something. For an extended period of time. It’s all well and good that you are making people part with their cash to buy ridiculous things like Cher Lloyd’s singles but you have accidentally created a culture of morons. Everywhere I go everyone looks like they are auditioning to be in One Direction; wearing checkered shirts and chinos. It actually makes me feel a little bit sick.

Do we really need X Factor every year? I know that the masses will probably forget what to do if you don’t spoon-feed them instructions, but is that really a bad thing? Or maybe as a man who seems driven to be omnipresent the solution could be to use your power for good. As a reality TV pioneer, maybe you could do ‘Nonentities from Shows Past Get Fed to the Lions’. I’d consider staying in for that. As soon as some gargantuan feline starts chewing on Jedward I’d even be inclined to text ‘COCOZZA’ to 83322.

Oh and one more thing. Can we quit making a mockery of the Christmas number one? Your offering is never very good, and it also forces hipster idiots to promote old songs that have nothing to do with Christmas to the top spot. I know that the soldiers’ wives choir did it this year, but that was pretty awful too. People will do anything if this national sentiment involved. Anyway I digress. Just leave it alone, or we might fall out.

Keep up the good work, just try and keep it on the lo-down please. I’m tired of having to tell idiots that their opinions are invalid.

Yours sincerely,

Daniel J. Whitell

PS – if you could hook me up with Cheryl I’d be willing to live with another series of X Factor. Just one, though.

It’s a Conspiracy!

Did you know that nothing has ever actually happened? Ever. According to the news, things happen all the time. But we know better. The news is just the media’s way of controlling us, right? Therefore everything they tell us must be a lie.

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17:58. Liars!

Everybody loves conspiracy theories. Just how everyone is interested in the apocalypse (read my last post) similarly people are always thinking outside of the box. I love and encourage freedom of thought, and I am always open to new ideas. For example yesterday I decided that my favourite food is roast potatoes. My second favourite food is mini kievs. Not the big ones. The little ones. The big ones have far too much surface area for their garlic sauce content and therefore are really just masquerading as a larger substitute; you are actually getting the poorly-designed original prototype. Anyway, my ability to think outside the box caused me to come up with the mother of all meals. Roast potatoes and mini kievs. You’ll thank me later.

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You know I love gravy too.

What we can conclude from this is that I am not narrow-minded. I’m somebody who likes to live on the proverbial edge, next door to Evel Knievel and a Powerade warehouse. Now that we have cleared that up, let me just throw this in the mix: I hate conspiracy theories.

I hate them not for the amount of thought that goes into them. I don’t hate them because they are far-fetched or because they dare to question the status quo. I hate them because they are ubiquitous and because more people believe them than the official version of events. And as we know; the more people believe in something the more likely it is wrong. According to the first site I came across on Google (I do my research) 86% of the world’s population is religious. Wrong. 99.9% of the world’s population think that ‘Thriller’ is Michael Jackson’s best album. Wrong. Shitloads of people like prawn cocktail crisps. Guess what? Wrong.

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No.

I haven’t done enough research to categorically state that any conspiracy theory is invalid. That’s not what I’m about. I just hate this notion that we have to question every single thing that happens.Can’t we just accept some things at face value? That way you don’t get people who have been mistakenly born with the brain of an amphibian explaining that they ‘saw something on Youtube’ that proves that the Earth is actually flat after all. In some cases we complain about the perceived lack of imagination in politics and the stupidity of those responsible for our welfare, yet we also think that every single one of them is an evil genius capable of staging a moon-landing to scare some Russians or causing an iconic building to collapse so we can go in pursuit of some fossil fuels. Sometimes people are just creating conspiracy theories because ‘hey, it’s cool, man’.

Some of them are probably right. But I just stopped caring because there are far too many of them. So here are my top ten conspiracy theories.

1. World War II was just a dream

Think about it. The world was probably extremely tired after World War I so they just simultaneously dreamt up a story of an evil guy with a toothbrush moustache after watching too many Charlie Chaplin films.

2. Every single person who has ever won an Oscar is actually Steve Guttenberg in disguise.

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Pictured here shortly after winning Best Actress for Being Jodie Foster in ‘Silence of the Lambs’.

3. Sand is an illusion

You know that beach you went to in the summer? It was totally imaginary. You actually sat in the car park of Marks & Spencer.

4. Elvis was a hologram created by McDonald’s

He was always programmed to get fat and die of a heart-attack.. The negative connotations of the so-called ‘King’ dying from too many ‘burgers’ would naturally lead to negative publicity for their biggest rivals.

5. Gandhi was from Torquay

Have you seen his birth certificate? Plus he would have loved Fawlty Towers. Had he not been assassinated, of course.

6. The song ‘Wonderwall’ by Oasis doesn’t actually exist

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Pictured: Two candles and a tennis ball.

Apparently the whole thing was done with smoke and mirrors.

7. The wheel was never invented

We’re all still stationary, we just haven’t noticed it yet.

8. Every fifth word in the bible forms the lyrics to ‘Walking on Sunshine’ by Katrina & The Waves

Go try it now.

9. You haven’t eaten in days

Your mind has simply tricked you into thinking you have eaten. In reality you are being controlled by super ants who want you to think you are not dying.

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Shit just got real.

10. This blog was written over 150 years ago

According to Youtube.

2012 – The End of the World?

Everyone is talking about the apocalypse. Well not everyone. But some people. I’ve heard one or two. I think.

Let’s start again. An unquantified number of people have at some point perhaps made reference to this year potentially being the last year ever. Contrary to popular belief, the method of thinking did not originate from the 2009 Roland Emmerich film starring John Cusack. No, it has been foretold by many people including Nostradamus and the Mayans.

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The other great Mayan contribution to the 21st Century.

When I say ‘foretold’ I mean it in a very loose sense. December 21st 2012 is when the Mayan calendar stops. Now I might be wrong but that doesn’t necessarily mean the freaking world is ending, does it? I mean if anything we should be thankful that the Mayans had the foresight to make a calendar that goes as far as it does. Contemporary calendar-makers are far more short-sighted, meaning that if we go by this way of judging the apocalypse – as soon as Kelly Brook’s December charms are no longer adorning your bedroom wall the horsemen will come knocking. Well, they probably wouldn’t be that polite as to knock. If you only get an advent calendar, life doesn’t even exist until December 1st (and will probably end on the 1st too you greedy bastard).

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Yes, you.

Nostradamus also didn’t do very well predicting the end of the world. Nowhere in his book does he mention the end of days. He also continues to prophesise until well beyond the year 3000. As did Busted. I’m not sure they thought it through as well as Nostradamus, but at least he corroborates their reports that we will still be here. Living underwater and our great-great-great grandaughters still being alive and aesthetically pleasing, notwithstanding.

So basically we don’t really know. Just like that one guy who thought that the rapture was coming last year and was left rather embarrassed when it didn’t; we’re all just stabbing in the dark and using very old and unreliable knives to do so. The Mayans can predict the end of the world but they didn’t predict the invention of mini kievs, did they? Thought not. Come December 21st there are probably going to be a lot of disappointed people. I’ll probably be drunk in a bar somewhere, just in case. But what happens if the end actualy is nigh? What if we’re all about to be Michael Bay-ed?

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Image needs no caption.

 10 Things I Wouldn’t Miss if There Was An Apocalypse

1. Wires

Yes, I know that there is a scientific explanation for why wires get tangled. Still doesn’t make it just. I have spent approximately 14 years of my life untangling wires.

2. Robert Carlyle

I don’t really know why I hate him, but I hate him with every fibre of my being. It’s either because of ‘The Full Monty’ or the fact that his eyes look like sultanas. Or maybe both.

3. People Who Use the Word ‘Ignorant’ to Mean Something That It Totally Doesn’t Mean

Listen up, idiots (I mean loyal readers. Actually no, I mean idiots). If someone is ignoring you, they are not being ‘ignorant’ unless they genuinely do not know you are there. We don’t have an adjective to describe someone who ignores people. ‘Rude’ will suffice you ignorant people.

4. Tablets

Why? We had computers that were fine (until you actually need it to do something) and we had mobile phones that were perfectly adequate. Then someone said ‘we need something that’s not as functional as a computer and more like a big phone that doesn’t actually make calls’. Okay sure. So by my logic we have doors, and we have windows. So what we need is something that’s smaller than a door but doesn’t open fully like a window.

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Well done.

But for humans.

5. People Who Protest About Everything

Don’t get me wrong, I like to moan about things. I also think that it is possible to change the world with the right approach. However, liking a post on Facebook and then standing in a field for fifteen years whilst claiming that ‘Capitalism is gay’ just makes you a douchebag, dude.

6. Tomatoes

Before I begin, let me just hand a free pass to tomato purée. You can go, you are fine. Right, now that we’re alone, Mr Tomato, what the fuck are you doing in my sandwiches? If I go to Tesco (or M&S if I’m feeling frivolous) I don’t expect to spend twenty minutes picking you out of my lunch. You just don’t taste right. Yet everyone thinks you’re welcome at the party. Get the fuck out!

7. Reality Television

Everything is a reality show these days. How To Live Your Life, How Not To Live Your Life, How My Wife Cleans Her Bathroom, Who Is The Best Singer, Who Is The Most Annoying Person In Dundee, Who Is the Most Annoying Person In Dundee – Celebrity Edition. I thought TV was supposed to be a form of escapism? Documentaries are great, but when you assume I want to know about the sex lives of some creosoted Geordie people you are so very wrong. I’d rather watch myself watching me on a live streaming webcam. At least I might get an erection.

8. The Person Who Decided This Was A Good Idea

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Enough said.

 9. Cricket

“What’s on Sky Sports this afternoon?”

“Oh it’s just a team of men in jumpers trying to catch a ball. They know where this ball is probably going to go, because they know who is throwing the ball and they know who is hitting it. Occasionally they have to jog.”

“I see”.

“Do you want to know how they work out the score?”

“No thanks.”

10. Children

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m going to make caveats here. Like I’m going to say ‘annoying kids who scream on public transport’ or ‘all first-born sons, Herod-style’. Nope. All of them. I am aware that I was a kid once, but I was a fantastic kid. I could eat anything, I spent a lot of time pretending to be a chicken and I convinced my younger sister I had magic powers. But now kids are just loud, needy, obnoxious and unnecessarily pandered-to. Children’s books are being read by adults (that might not be their fault directly) and they have stupid names and stupid hair. But the one thing that gets me is that people are creating more and more of them and then clogging up my Facebook with pages and pages of people that all look the same until they reach the age of about 5 anyway. I’m tired of blaming the parents; take some responsibility for yourselves you little shitbags.

So there we have it. I am actually hoping for the prophecies to be fulfilled now. At least I can die without seeing Colin Farrell do a massive shit on Mars.