It’s a Conspiracy!

Did you know that nothing has ever actually happened? Ever. According to the news, things happen all the time. But we know better. The news is just the media’s way of controlling us, right? Therefore everything they tell us must be a lie.


17:58. Liars!

Everybody loves conspiracy theories. Just how everyone is interested in the apocalypse (read my last post) similarly people are always thinking outside of the box. I love and encourage freedom of thought, and I am always open to new ideas. For example yesterday I decided that my favourite food is roast potatoes. My second favourite food is mini kievs. Not the big ones. The little ones. The big ones have far too much surface area for their garlic sauce content and therefore are really just masquerading as a larger substitute; you are actually getting the poorly-designed original prototype. Anyway, my ability to think outside the box caused me to come up with the mother of all meals. Roast potatoes and mini kievs. You’ll thank me later.


You know I love gravy too.

What we can conclude from this is that I am not narrow-minded. I’m somebody who likes to live on the proverbial edge, next door to Evel Knievel and a Powerade warehouse. Now that we have cleared that up, let me just throw this in the mix: I hate conspiracy theories.

I hate them not for the amount of thought that goes into them. I don’t hate them because they are far-fetched or because they dare to question the status quo. I hate them because they are ubiquitous and because more people believe them than the official version of events. And as we know; the more people believe in something the more likely it is wrong. According to the first site I came across on Google (I do my research) 86% of the world’s population is religious. Wrong. 99.9% of the world’s population think that ‘Thriller’ is Michael Jackson’s best album. Wrong. Shitloads of people like prawn cocktail crisps. Guess what? Wrong.



I haven’t done enough research to categorically state that any conspiracy theory is invalid. That’s not what I’m about. I just hate this notion that we have to question every single thing that happens.Can’t we just accept some things at face value? That way you don’t get people who have been mistakenly born with the brain of an amphibian explaining that they ‘saw something on Youtube’ that proves that the Earth is actually flat after all. In some cases we complain about the perceived lack of imagination in politics and the stupidity of those responsible for our welfare, yet we also think that every single one of them is an evil genius capable of staging a moon-landing to scare some Russians or causing an iconic building to collapse so we can go in pursuit of some fossil fuels. Sometimes people are just creating conspiracy theories because ‘hey, it’s cool, man’.

Some of them are probably right. But I just stopped caring because there are far too many of them. So here are my top ten conspiracy theories.

1. World War II was just a dream

Think about it. The world was probably extremely tired after World War I so they just simultaneously dreamt up a story of an evil guy with a toothbrush moustache after watching too many Charlie Chaplin films.

2. Every single person who has ever won an Oscar is actually Steve Guttenberg in disguise.


Pictured here shortly after winning Best Actress for Being Jodie Foster in ‘Silence of the Lambs’.

3. Sand is an illusion

You know that beach you went to in the summer? It was totally imaginary. You actually sat in the car park of Marks & Spencer.

4. Elvis was a hologram created by McDonald’s

He was always programmed to get fat and die of a heart-attack.. The negative connotations of the so-called ‘King’ dying from too many ‘burgers’ would naturally lead to negative publicity for their biggest rivals.

5. Gandhi was from Torquay

Have you seen his birth certificate? Plus he would have loved Fawlty Towers. Had he not been assassinated, of course.

6. The song ‘Wonderwall’ by Oasis doesn’t actually exist

Pictured: Two candles and a tennis ball.

Apparently the whole thing was done with smoke and mirrors.

7. The wheel was never invented

We’re all still stationary, we just haven’t noticed it yet.

8. Every fifth word in the bible forms the lyrics to ‘Walking on Sunshine’ by Katrina & The Waves

Go try it now.

9. You haven’t eaten in days

Your mind has simply tricked you into thinking you have eaten. In reality you are being controlled by super ants who want you to think you are not dying.

Shit just got real.

10. This blog was written over 150 years ago

According to Youtube.


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About goldenepump

I enjoy misanthropy and non-sequiturs. The problem with the youth today is that John Candy.

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