Everyone is talking about the apocalypse. Well not everyone. But some people. I’ve heard one or two. I think.
Let’s start again. An unquantified number of people have at some point perhaps made reference to this year potentially being the last year ever. Contrary to popular belief, the method of thinking did not originate from the 2009 Roland Emmerich film starring John Cusack. No, it has been foretold by many people including Nostradamus and the Mayans.
When I say ‘foretold’ I mean it in a very loose sense. December 21st 2012 is when the Mayan calendar stops. Now I might be wrong but that doesn’t necessarily mean the freaking world is ending, does it? I mean if anything we should be thankful that the Mayans had the foresight to make a calendar that goes as far as it does. Contemporary calendar-makers are far more short-sighted, meaning that if we go by this way of judging the apocalypse – as soon as Kelly Brook’s December charms are no longer adorning your bedroom wall the horsemen will come knocking. Well, they probably wouldn’t be that polite as to knock. If you only get an advent calendar, life doesn’t even exist until December 1st (and will probably end on the 1st too you greedy bastard).
Nostradamus also didn’t do very well predicting the end of the world. Nowhere in his book does he mention the end of days. He also continues to prophesise until well beyond the year 3000. As did Busted. I’m not sure they thought it through as well as Nostradamus, but at least he corroborates their reports that we will still be here. Living underwater and our great-great-great grandaughters still being alive and aesthetically pleasing, notwithstanding.
So basically we don’t really know. Just like that one guy who thought that the rapture was coming last year and was left rather embarrassed when it didn’t; we’re all just stabbing in the dark and using very old and unreliable knives to do so. The Mayans can predict the end of the world but they didn’t predict the invention of mini kievs, did they? Thought not. Come December 21st there are probably going to be a lot of disappointed people. I’ll probably be drunk in a bar somewhere, just in case. But what happens if the end actualy is nigh? What if we’re all about to be Michael Bay-ed?
10 Things I Wouldn’t Miss if There Was An Apocalypse
Yes, I know that there is a scientific explanation for why wires get tangled. Still doesn’t make it just. I have spent approximately 14 years of my life untangling wires.
2. Robert Carlyle
I don’t really know why I hate him, but I hate him with every fibre of my being. It’s either because of ‘The Full Monty’ or the fact that his eyes look like sultanas. Or maybe both.
3. People Who Use the Word ‘Ignorant’ to Mean Something That It Totally Doesn’t Mean
Listen up, idiots (I mean loyal readers. Actually no, I mean idiots). If someone is ignoring you, they are not being ‘ignorant’ unless they genuinely do not know you are there. We don’t have an adjective to describe someone who ignores people. ‘Rude’ will suffice you ignorant people.
Why? We had computers that were fine (until you actually need it to do something) and we had mobile phones that were perfectly adequate. Then someone said ‘we need something that’s not as functional as a computer and more like a big phone that doesn’t actually make calls’. Okay sure. So by my logic we have doors, and we have windows. So what we need is something that’s smaller than a door but doesn’t open fully like a window.
But for humans.
5. People Who Protest About Everything
Don’t get me wrong, I like to moan about things. I also think that it is possible to change the world with the right approach. However, liking a post on Facebook and then standing in a field for fifteen years whilst claiming that ‘Capitalism is gay’ just makes you a douchebag, dude.
Before I begin, let me just hand a free pass to tomato purée. You can go, you are fine. Right, now that we’re alone, Mr Tomato, what the fuck are you doing in my sandwiches? If I go to Tesco (or M&S if I’m feeling frivolous) I don’t expect to spend twenty minutes picking you out of my lunch. You just don’t taste right. Yet everyone thinks you’re welcome at the party. Get the fuck out!
7. Reality Television
Everything is a reality show these days. How To Live Your Life, How Not To Live Your Life, How My Wife Cleans Her Bathroom, Who Is The Best Singer, Who Is The Most Annoying Person In Dundee, Who Is the Most Annoying Person In Dundee – Celebrity Edition. I thought TV was supposed to be a form of escapism? Documentaries are great, but when you assume I want to know about the sex lives of some creosoted Geordie people you are so very wrong. I’d rather watch myself watching me on a live streaming webcam. At least I might get an erection.
8. The Person Who Decided This Was A Good Idea
“What’s on Sky Sports this afternoon?”
“Oh it’s just a team of men in jumpers trying to catch a ball. They know where this ball is probably going to go, because they know who is throwing the ball and they know who is hitting it. Occasionally they have to jog.”
“Do you want to know how they work out the score?”
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m going to make caveats here. Like I’m going to say ‘annoying kids who scream on public transport’ or ‘all first-born sons, Herod-style’. Nope. All of them. I am aware that I was a kid once, but I was a fantastic kid. I could eat anything, I spent a lot of time pretending to be a chicken and I convinced my younger sister I had magic powers. But now kids are just loud, needy, obnoxious and unnecessarily pandered-to. Children’s books are being read by adults (that might not be their fault directly) and they have stupid names and stupid hair. But the one thing that gets me is that people are creating more and more of them and then clogging up my Facebook with pages and pages of people that all look the same until they reach the age of about 5 anyway. I’m tired of blaming the parents; take some responsibility for yourselves you little shitbags.
So there we have it. I am actually hoping for the prophecies to be fulfilled now. At least I can die without seeing Colin Farrell do a massive shit on Mars.