The Difficult Second Post

19 views is always going to be a tough number to beat. Now that I have established the fact that I don’t really have an audience, I have to live with the fact that this blog has very little direction as well. Writing about nothing and having no one read it is on a par with being a tree. Sure, you have this smug sense of self-worth, but the reality is you have small animals living inside you and you’re going nowhere until a Canadian comes at you with a chainsaw, buddy.

Inevitably, one must write the follow-up post. You could call it quits after post number one and then reminisce in 2022 about how you once started a ‘hilarious’ blog. Whilst sipping a futuristic cocktail, listening to country rap, wearing a jumpsuit and euthanising your friends. But where’s the fun in that? No, one must make multiple failed attempts to capture an audience.


I have a feeling this guy won’t love country rap when it arrives.

Maybe this time if I actually write about something it will surpass the 20 hit-counter. But what could I actually write about? Maybe I should let the audience decide. Actually Dan, that’s a brilliant idea! Whilst you might now be stranded in a strange place where you are conversing with your own thought patterns via your keyboard, if you let a third party make a decision for you, you can establish whether or not you have the potential to build an audience and simultaneously stumble upon some subject matter. I knew you had it in you.


Dude, they’re fucking fish shaped like stars!

So I guess this could be the end of my little blog. I will not be writing again until someone suggests a topic for me. Direct me. I am the ovine investigative journalist. You send me out into the field and I will write about it. Providing it’s not Harry Potter. I fucking hate Harry Potter. If you ask me to expand on this, this is how the conversation will always pan out:

“But have you read it?”


“Why not?”

“Because I’m not eight. I don’t ask you if you have eaten mud and pretended to be a chicken recently.”

I was a weird 8-year old.


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About goldenepump

I enjoy misanthropy and non-sequiturs. The problem with the youth today is that John Candy.

One response to “The Difficult Second Post”

  1. Ian Turner says :

    Gravy, i wanna hear about gravy….

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