Writing a Blog

The problem with losing your virginity is that everyone will judge you and you’ll never be allowed to use the library again.

Hi, my name is Dan Whitell and this is Infinite Monkey Typewriter. I tried to write a blog once before, and it got fewer views than Cliff Richard’s bedroom ceiling. The problem was direction. For those of you that know me, I can be quite cynical. I think that music died in 1996 and that anyone who wears flip-flops is a total idiot. However, diatribe is often not the best way to capture an audience. Don’t get me wrong, we all love a good moan. But negativity is all around us, so it can be nice to get away from that.

So what about a really happy, smiley blog about things that I like? I could post things like my top 5 pairs of shoes and 7 reasons why towels are so great. That sounds like the worst blog in history. If people in China could see that, they’d ask for more censors to be put in place.


So fluffy.

Dilemma. Do I use my time to spout vitriol about stuff I can’t stand, or do I make it look like Myspace just heaved on my computer screen? How about a metablog? “What is a metablog?” you ask. Well, although it probably exists already, I’m claiming I invented it as my research department need more funds. A metablog is a blog about writing a blog.

I go online quite often, and see many different blogs. Some are better than others, as tends to be the case with anything it’s possible to have an opinion on. There is a very tried-and-tested formula, which is being demonstrated on this very screen. It goes:


Funny picture (with hilarious caption)



This guy.


It always works. Is there another way of doing it? The world is full of sarcastic writers who are very humorous and creative. So why is it that no one has been brave enough to do it differently? Maybe have the text scroll in from the side. The words could be in the shape of a dragon. Riding a horse. On fire. The jokes could be attached to little embedded mp3 files that provide a laughter track. Or the whole thing could be narrated by David Attenborough whilst you show us the photos you took of Saturday night’s sunset.

And the comedy photos that everyone loves? They could all be of me. Dressed like a dragon. Riding a horse. On fire. With Axl Rose.


Seabiscuit’s sequel was much better.

Actually, fuck it, this sounds like Geocities. Better stick to the way everyone else is doing it. Welcome to Infinite Monkey Typewriter. It’s pretty much like every other blog on the internet.

Oh, and follow me on Twitter @GoldenEPump.


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About goldenepump

I enjoy misanthropy and non-sequiturs. The problem with the youth today is that John Candy.

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